英國女王探望轉出ICU的首相鮑里斯 就疫情等話題進行了深入交流（原創獨腳戲）_風聞

【嗶哩嗶哩 |  公眾號 | 微博 尤子緣】

視頻鏈接：www.bilibili.com/video/BV1jK411j7Hz

陌生的你好，我是尤子緣。

這一天，英國女王伊麗莎白二世前去探望了剛剛轉出重症監護室的英國首相鮑里斯·約翰遜。

“親愛的首相，你現在好點了嗎？”

英國女王伊麗莎白二世關切地問道。

“（咳嗽聲）謝謝您的問候，陛下！您能親自來這裏看我，是我至高無上的榮幸。抱歉，我無法站起來向您行禮。

關於您的問候，感謝上帝……對不起，感謝陛下，我現在感覺好多了，只是還有點發熱引起的輕微疼痛。”

英國首相鮑里斯·約翰遜答道。

“榮幸是我的。作為首相，你在這場史無前例的疫情中做得不錯。我希望你能早日康復，就像我的小查理一樣。只是之前聽説你進了重症監護室的時候，有點讓人震驚”

“陛下，坦白説，我在那裏度過的三天是自2012年奧運會期間我被困在空中以來最尷尬的時刻。不過請不要擔心，就像報紙上説的，這只是預防性的治療。”

“鮑里斯，我93歲了，如果你記得的話，10天后我就94歲了。那是我的年齡，不是我的智商。我知道ICU是什麼。”

“（咳嗽聲）對不起，陛下，我無意冒犯。我這麼説只是不想讓您擔心，也不想讓民眾恐慌。

我在ICU的第一天很痛苦，但是多虧了NHS（National Health Service英國國民健康保險制度）的工作人員，他們出色的治療救了我的命，現在我可以稍微走動一點了。我對他們感激不盡。我欠他們一條命。”

“好的吧，我預料到了。謝謝你的真誠，至少在我面前。

説到民眾，關於這次疫情，我是覺得我不得不向全國發表我的第五次電視講話了。希望這不會被視為我太凌駕於內閣之上?”

“絕對不會！陛下，幸好現代科技發達，您的演講在ICU也能收到，儘管當時我眼睛睜不大開。聽到陛下的聲音，我感到很有安全感，而演講本身也非常精彩，鼓舞人心。我覺得這是完全符合程序的。

我回到辦公室的時候，我會強烈推薦諾貝爾委員會提名陛下為下一屆諾貝爾和平獎得主!”

“別操心那個啦。我們的醫療體系已經不堪重負，目前的首要工作是抗擊病毒，挽救更多生命。

我一個小小的演講對於國家來説，不足掛齒。”

“不！陛下的聲音從來都不是微不足道的！像我這樣的人，永遠都崇拜您。您在疫情期間的演講和喬治六世國王在二戰期間的演講同樣重要。”

“你多大了來着?”

“我55了，陛下，6月就56歲了。”

“你棒棒噠。時至今日，居然還有人仍然記得我父親的名字和他所做過的事情。”

“（咳嗽聲）請允許我再次自我介紹，陛下。我畢業於牛津大學貝利奧爾學院。我學的是英國文學，這使我天然地對歷史很感興趣。”

“嗯，不過這還不算曆史。因為我父親的女兒，現在還正在這裏和你説着話。

順便問一下，你對接下去如何抗擊病毒有什麼想法?”

“噢，對，據我所知，現在封城政策比幾天前實施得更成功了。人們逐漸意識到待在家裏及在户外戴口罩的重要性。關於襲擊戴口罩的中國學生的報道越來越少。

作為官方正式的補救措施，已經向中國下了訂單，很明顯，到目前為止，中國在抗擊病毒方面做得非常出色。我和我的同事將繼續確保，我們也在朝着正確的方向前進。

話雖如此，我知道陛下也許會笑，但我確實認為，即使在如今這樣的情況下，我也以一種獨特的方式作出了一點微小的貢獻，我是第一個感染新冠病毒的世界領導人。這應該可以讓英國在疫情期間獲得更多的全球曝光度，我為此感到自豪。當然，我指的是宣傳，不是疾病曝光度……

呀，抱歉，我的意思是，第一個感染的首相，不是首腦……”

“沒關係，親愛的。看到你如此具有自我犧牲精神，我很認可你的工作。

當談到中國的時候，你表現得比我聽到的更有禮貌。我注意到，你們中的一些人把他們的幫助稱為“掠奪性援助”。在這一點上，希望我下次在那裏會見對方首腦的時候，我們在遠東的朋友不會因為這個用詞對我大發雷霆。”

“恕我直言，陛下，我與此事無關。我猜應該是工黨有人在這一點上搞事情。

然而，我認為在這個具有挑戰性的疫情時期，響亮發出我們自己的聲音是至關重要的。這樣，我們至少可以在一定程度上保持我們的國家形象。

比如，至少現在人們知道了，是英國人發明了羣體免疫來對抗病毒，英國就這樣成為了最有想象力的國家，而不是美國或中國。”

“我懂你意思了，鮑里斯。有一説一，我開始還以為你只是在發揮你之前在《泰晤士報》養成的職業習慣。

順便問一下，特朗普先生最後給你打電話了嗎?”

“陛下，我發誓那些關於我在《泰晤士報》的説法都是謠言!

至於您的問題，是的，有天他打過來表達了他的問候，以及他那些標準的不痛不癢的話。”

“他有沒有提供什麼特別援助?”

“是的，陛下，我想是的。在他打電話後不久，一些黑衣人帶着他們的特效藥來到了我的ICU病房。”

“你是説中情局?”

“是的，女王陛下。”

“你直接吃了那些藥片嗎？好像它們還在臨牀試驗吧。”

“是的，我只想盡快回到唐寧街，所以我不得不試一試。我們自己的NHS醫生也同時給了我一些血漿治療，這讓我有點困惑，到底是哪個起了作用。”

“哇，我聽起來風險很大唉。你沒有讓馬特（英國衞生大臣）先測試下這些藥片嗎?”

“呃，陛下，您可能知道，馬特他自己的檢測結果呈陽性，他現在在家辦公。我覺得麻煩他不太好。

我想我們和喬治·華盛頓的衝突已經過去很久了吧？我相信，我們目前是美國非常重要的盟友。主要我不想真的變成吸血鬼，所以我還是吃了他們的藥，向特朗普證明一下我很酷。”

“好的吧。的確，感覺美國人有時確實太忙了，沒有空去記住歷史。希望那裏沒有人記得我們曾經燒掉過白宮，噢，實際上是白宮之前的那座房子。”

“請不要擔心，陛下。幾年前我在紐約的時候，沒人提起過這件事。他們只是一直説我長得像唐納德·特朗普，這讓我很尷尬。

我想大多數人已經注意到，我們的歷史教科書一直在尊重華盛頓是美國國父這一事實。”

“不，你別信這個。路易十六才是美國國父。如果沒有法國人幫忙，美國人是不可能打敗我們的。記得我很小的時候，我的爺爺經常在搖籃曲裏跟我講這個故事。”

“當然，您説得很對，陛下。”

“我倒覺得很有趣，人們在談論你們兩個的共同點。”

“（咳嗽聲）説實話，我不希望別人把我當成特朗普的翻版。不幸的是，我們的髮型很相似，但一頭金髮不是我的錯。除此之外，我看不出我和他有什麼相似之處。

我可能會認為，我更隨性，不僅僅體現在講話中。你可能還記得，當其他人都在參加毫無意義的會議的時候，我卻在冒險跳傘為倫敦加油，儘管當時發生了一點小事故。”

“你有個小女朋友，對吧？如果我沒記錯的話，她比你小24歲對嗎，鮑里斯?”

“是的，陛下。如果可以的話，我能問一下陛下是從哪兒聽來的嗎?”

 “雖然我大部分時間都待在宮裏，但軍情六處（英國情報機構）確實會在適當的時候，隨機向我彙報情況。此外，這些特工告訴我，特朗普也比他妻子年長24歲。這也是某種巧合嗎?”

“原諒我，陛下。我不知道那件事。我認為這確實是個巧合。”

“好的吧。其實也不完全一樣。他們結婚了，而據我所知，凱莉只是你的女朋友。

剛剛你説，你的生日是六月份。那你是雙子座咯?”

“是的，我是雙子，靠近巨蟹，陛下。不過有一説一，我不認為自己是一個花花公子，雖然人們都認為雙子是。事實上，我正在努力讓我的女朋友升級為我的未婚妻。但這不僅取決於我。”

“這都是你的私事，其他人無權干涉。我只是希望你能儘快安頓下來，把更多的精力放在工作上。

説到這，我們聊回公事。脱歐怎麼樣了？還在弄嗎？”

“當然，陛下。（咳嗽聲）雖然我的身體還沒完全康復，但正如我們的國歌《耶路撒冷》所唱的那樣，我心中的鬥爭永不停歇。

請放心，我們將如期實現脱歐獨立。我已經要求大臣們把這件事作為他們的首要工作。如果完不成，我向陛下發誓，到時我將引咎辭職。”

“聽起來很有希望的樣子。那我們自己的獨立問題呢?”

“我想你説的是蘇格蘭人吧，陛下？請不要擔憂。上次的投票結果是站在英格蘭這邊的。更不用説，現代的威廉·華萊士正沉迷於成為一個網紅或拍抖音。根本不存在分裂的風險。”

“感謝你所做的一切，鮑里斯。我想今天就到這裏吧，我覺得我們的談話很有建設性。我還想多待一會兒，但我的司機正在等我。

如果你能在你的鄉間別墅好好修養一陣，我將不勝感激。不要太擔心工作。多米尼克（英國外交大臣，目前正代理首相職責）看上去是個好小夥子，能暫時幫你代理職務，我們一家人都挺喜歡他的。

每每看到年輕而強健的人走上領導崗位，總是令人高興的。

我不得不感慨，我的時代過去了，我們的時代都過去了。不過，正如我對全國人民所説的，好日子還會迴歸。

再見啦（ICU），親愛的。”

“再……見……陛……下……（咳嗽聲）”

---英文版---English Version---

The Queen Elizabeth II: Darling, are you alright now?

Boris Johnson: (Coughing) Thanks for asking, your Majesty! It’s such a great honour to have you here to visit me in person. Apologies, I cannot stand up to salute physically.

In regard to your query, thank god…sorry, thank your Majesty, I am feeling much better now, just suffering some subtle pains associated with fever.

Q: The honour is mine. You did a good job as the Prime Minister during this unprecedented epidemic. I hope you will recover soon, like my little Charlie. It was just a little shocking to hear that you were actually admitted to ICU in the first place.

B: Your Majesty, frankly speaking, the 3 days I spent there was the most embarrassing moment since I was stuck in the air during the Olympic Games in 2012. But please do not worry, as the papers said, it was just precautionary.

Q: Boris, I am 93, turning 94 in 10 days if you may recall. That’s my age, not my IQ. I know what an ICU is.

B: (Coughing) Sorry, your Majesty, I meant no offence. As far as I am concerned, I just did not wish to make you worry or the public panic.

My first day at ICU was exhausting but thanks to our NHS staff who did a great job in saving my life, I can walk a bit now. I can’t thank them enough. I owe them my life.

Q: Fair enough, I anticipated that. Thanks for your integrity, at least in front of me.

Speaking of the public, I did feel I have to deliver my fifth televised address to the whole nation regarding the epidemic. Hope that will not be seen as me overriding the cabinet too far?

B: Absolutely not! Your Majesty, thanks to the advance of modern technology, your speech was well received even at ICU, although I could hardly open my eyes. It was so reassuring to hear your Majesty’s voice and the speech itself was more than splendid and encouraging. It was perfectly legitimate, I would say.

When I am back in the office, I would strongly recommend the Nobel Committee to nominate your Majesty for the next Nobel peace prize!

Q: Don’t worry about that. The priority for the time being is to fight the virus and save more lives, given that our NHS is being overwhelmed.

A tiny speech is the least thing I can do for the country.

B: No! Your Majesty’s voice is never trivial! People, like me, adore you for eternity. Your speech is as important during the epidemic as King George VI, his Majesty’s during the World War II.

Q: How old are you，again?

B: I’m 55, your Grace, turning 56 in June.

Q: That’s quite impressive. Nowadays, there are people who can still recall my Father’s name and what he did.

B: (Coughing) Please allow me to kindly introduce myself again, your Majesty. I graduated from Balliol College at Oxford University. And I was studying English Literature there, which makes me quite interested in history naturally.

Q: Well, it’s not history yet. As my father’s daughter, is still here talking to you now.

By the way, what’s in your mind as to the steps to fight the virus going forward?

B: Oh, yeah, as far as I know, the lockdown is being implemented more successfully than days ago. People gradually become more aware of the importance of staying at home and wearing face masks outdoor. There were fewer reports on attacks regarding Chinese students wearing masks.

As an official remedial step, orders have been made to China, which obviously has been doing an incredible job so far in terms of fighting the virus. My colleagues and I will continue to make sure that we are going in the right direction too.

Having said that, I know your Majesty may laugh, but I do think, even under today’s circumstances, I contributed slightly in an unique way too, by being the first world leader to contract the coronavirus. Presumably, that should give the United Kingdom a bit more global exposure in the epidemic, which I am proud of. Of course, I mean the propaganda, not the disease…

Oh, apologies, I mean, the first PM to contract the virus, not the first leader…

Q: That’s alright, darling. I do appreciate your job in light of your spirit of self-sacrifice.

When talking about China, you sound more courteous than what I’ve heard. I noted some of you call their help as ‘predatory aid’. Speaking of which, I hope our friends in the far east would not be furious at me about this term when I next meet my counterpart there.

B: With all due respect, your Majesty, I was not involved in any of this. My best guess would be that someone from the Labour Party is manipulating this argument.

Nevertheless, I think it is vital to keep our own voice apparent in this challenging pandemic period. In this way, we could at least maintain our national image to some extent.

For example, at least now people know that it’s the Britons who invented herd immunity to fight the virus, making us the nation with the best imagination, not the US or China.

Q: I see your point here, Boris. I have to admit I thought you were just following your professional habits developed at The Times.

By the way, just for curiosity, did Mr Trump call you eventually?

B: Your Majesty, I swear things about me at The Times were absolute rumours!

As regarding your query, yes, he delivered his greetings along with his stereotypical waffling the other day.

Q: Did he deliver any particular aid?

B: Yes, your Majesty, I guess so. Shortly following his call, some men in black appeared at my ICU with their specific medicine.

Q: You mean the CIA？

B: Yes, your Grace.

Q: Did you take the pills straight away? I understand they are still on trial.

B: Yeah… All I desire was to get back to the Downing Street as soon as possible so I had to give it a try. Our NHS medics gave me some plasma simultaneously too, which made it a bit confusing as to which actually cured my body.

Q: Oh, it sounds to me like having a long shot. Did you not get Matt to test the pills in the first instance?

B: Well, your Majesty, as you may be aware, Matt himself had tested positive and is working from home now. It could be too troublesome to bother him.

I assume our conflicts with George Washington was way back? I trust we are a very important ally of the Americans for the time being. Moreover, I’d rather not go too far in becoming a vampire so I took the pills anyway to show Trump I was cool.

Q: Fair enough. Indeed, the Americans do sometimes appear to be too busy to memorise history. Hope no one there recalls we once burned the White House, oh, actually the House before White House.

B: Please don’t worry, your Majesty. No one had ever mentioned this during my time in New York years ago. They just kept saying I look like Donald Trump, which did embarrass me a lot.

I assume most people have noted that our history books have been respecting the fact that Washington was the Father of the United States.

Q: No, you don’t believe that. It’s Louis XVI, who was the Father of the United States. The Americans would never have defeated us without the French help. My grandfather often talked me through this in a lullaby when I was a teenage girl.

B: Sure, you are absolutely right, your Grace.

Q: I found it quite funny though, people chattering about things that you two have in common.

B: (Coughing) To be honest, I’d rather not be seen as a Trump’s copy. Unfortunately, we do have similar hairstyle but having blond hair is not my fault. Apart from this, I don’t see any similarities between myself and him.

I would probably perceive myself as having a freer style, not just in the sense of giving speech. As you may recall, I did risk myself parachuting to cheer London while others were attending void meetings, regardless of the little accident.

Q: You have a little girlfriend, right? If I remember correctly, she’s 24 years younger than you, Boris?

B: Yes, your Majesty. If I may, can I ask where did your Majesty get that from?

Q: Well, although I stay at the Palace most of the time, the MI6 does brief me on a random basis, where appropriate. Furthermore, the agents told me Mr Trump is also 24 years elder than his wife. Is this some kind of coincidence as well?

B: Forgive me, your Grace. I was not aware of that. I would say it is indeed a coincidence.

Q: It’s alright. It’s actually not quite the same anyway. They are married, whereas Carrie is your girlfriend as far as I know.

I understand your birthday is in June. You are a Gemini then?

B: Yes, I am a late Gemini, your Majesty. But I have to say I don’t see myself as a playboy, which people may perceive a Gemini to be. Actually, I am making efforts in order for the pursuit of upgrading my girlfriend to my fiancée. But it’s not only up to me.

Q: It’s all your personal matters and no one else should have a say about it. I just wish you will get settled down very soon and be able to focus more on your occupation.

Speaking of which, let us get back to your work in progress. What about Brexit? Is it still ongoing?

B: Of course, your Majesty. (Coughing) Although my body is not in its best state, but as our national anthem ‘Jerusalem’ sings, I will not cease from mental fight.

Please be assured our independence from the European Union will be achieved punctually as promised. I have requested my secretaries to make it happen as their first priority. Otherwise, your Majesty have my words, I will resign on principle.

Q: That sounds promising. What about our own independence issue?

B: I assume you are talking about the Scots, your Majesty? Please do not be concerned. The last vote turned out to be in favour of England. Not to mention that, the modern William Wallace is busy with enjoying being an influencer or recording Tik Tok. There are no risks of split at all.

Q: Thanks, Boris, for everything. I think that’s all for today, I found our chat very constructive. I wish I could stay longer but my chauffeur is waiting for me.

I should be grateful if you would have a good rest at your mansion in the country. Do not worry too much about work. Dominic seems to be a good lad to babysit for you and my family does like him.

It’s always glad to see young and robust people taking over.

I have to realise that I have had my time and we all have had our time. But, as I said to the nation in my speech, better days will return.

I see you (ICU) around, darling.

B: See…you…Your Grace…(Coughing)

我是尤子緣，感謝觀看。