父母對所有孩子的愛都是一樣的嗎？_風聞

【來源龍騰網】

評論原創翻譯：

David Schneider, Professor Emeritus of Psychology & Cognitive Sciences,

心理學和認知學的名譽教授

A better question would be do parents like each of their children equally, and for many of us the answer is no. Children have different personalities and interests as do their parents.  So a parent may feel more comfortable with one child and have more interests in common with him. Some children are touchy so a parent has to be on guard not to say the wrong thing while others are more easy going. And, of course, some children are more likely to do things that make the parents proud; even though parents generally shouldn’t feed off their children’s successes, it’s hard not to do so. Some children are more successful than others, and in extreme cases some may be successful and others complete failures. All other things being equal it would be hard not to like a child who is successful and happily married more than a sib still living in the basement at home and not making much progress in life.

這樣問可能更好一點：父母是否對他們的每一個孩子都付出了同樣的愛，對我們很多人來説，答案是否定的。因為父母和他們的孩子都有着不同的性格和興趣愛好。所以父母可能會覺得和其中的某一個孩子相處起來更舒服，因為和他有共同的興趣愛好。有些孩子很敏感，所以父母要小心，不能説錯話，而有些孩子則可能更容易相處。當然，有些孩子可能會做一些讓父母感到很自豪的事情，儘管我們並不提倡父母以孩子的成功為自豪，但我們很難做到。有些孩子就是比其他孩子更容易成功，在某些極端的情況下，有些孩子可能很容易就成功了，而有些孩子則會徹底失敗。在其他條件相同的情況下，相比起生活上沒有多大進步的同胞兄弟來説，我們更容易喜歡一個婚姻幸福、事業有成的孩子。

All that said, parents should (and most do) try to treat their children equitably which is not necessarily equally. And it’s hard. Different kids need different kinds of advice and different constellations of carrots and sticks. It’s inevitable that at least one child will feel that she has been treated less fairly (and she may be right) or that she has been less successful in meeting parental expectations. She may even come to think that she is loved less, but as I say that’s often not accurate. Most parents do their best for each child and sometimes don’t get it quite right. It’s been my experience that generally such feelings of being loved less tend to dissipate when the children get children of their own and have to confront all the issues just mentioned.

綜上所述，父母以及大多數人都應該公平地對待他們所有的孩子，但這並不意味着父母一定能做到對每個孩子都一視同仁，因為做到完全平等實在是太難了。不同的孩子需要不同的建議，有的人需要鼓勵式教育，而有的人則需要棍棒教育。但不可避免的是，一個家庭中至少會有一個孩子覺得他自己受到了不公平的對待（可能她猜的是對的），也許是因為她覺得自己沒有達到父母的期望。她甚至會覺得父母並不愛自己，但就像我説的那樣，這種感覺通常都是不對的。因為大多數的父母為他們的每個孩子都盡了最大的努力，雖然有時候他們做得並不盡如人意。但根據我的經驗，只有當孩子們有了他們自己的孩子，當他們不得不面對上面提到的所有問題時，這種沒有被愛的感覺才會消失。

I do believe in love and specifically that parents love their children, but I don’t know how to quantify that, and ’m not even sure what it means in behavioral terms. Like most parents I would do whatever is necessary (and remotely reasonable) to help my children, and I would never want to be in position to have to decide who deserves that help more. And I suppose a child could do something so outside my moral limits that I would cease to love that child as much. Love’s a very funny emotion whereas liking is far more straightforward.

我相信愛，尤其是父母對他們孩子的那種愛，但我不知道該如何量化它，我甚至不知道這在行為學上意味着什麼。但是像大多數父母一樣，我會盡我最大的努力去做一切有必要的事情來幫助我的孩子，而我永遠也不會決定我應該給誰提供更多的幫助。我想，如果一個孩子做了一些超出我道德底線的事情，那我就不會再像以前那麼愛他了。愛是一種非常有趣的情感，而喜歡則簡單很多。

Anonymous

I love my kids separately as individuals and would sacrifice anything and everything for any one of them, but because of temperaments and challenge levels, I don’t love them equally. Actively knowing this is hard because I feel really guilty about it and do what I can to try to change the one complicated/strained relationship (but…it remains tenuous even after professional intervention).

我愛我的孩子們，他們都是獨立的個體，我願意為他們中的任何一個人犧牲掉一切，但是由於性格以及各種原因，我並不能平等的愛他們。但是能明白這一點很難，所以我對此感到很內疚，並且我一直在盡我所能去努力改變這段複雜、緊張的關係，但是，即使經過了專業人士的干預之後，這段關係仍然很脆弱。

I have one child who is a miserable human being: perpetually sour, demanding, arrogant, bossy person with no empathy at all and a mean streak (the child will make a wonderful prosecutor one day). I have had this child in a variety of professional help situations and the consensus seems to be that while there isn’t anything mentally wrong, the child is serially unreasonable, and can’t seem to understand that there is a problem with his/her behavior, and most of it is just personality. I want very much to love this child and have a good relationship with this child…but it is extremely difficult when there are personality traits involved that are abhorrent to me and are not ones I’m equipped for (because I don’t have a mean bone in my body and can’t respond with anything but hurt and disappointment when the child is mean to others). I do what I can to be proud, supportive, and loving toward this child and to see/praise/encourage the good points (there are some…hyper-responsible, smart, driven) but it is difficult for me. This is not a person I’d choose to be friends with or have anything to do with, were we not related.

我有一個孩子，他是一個可憐人：他總是很乖戾、苛刻、傲慢、專橫，毫無同情心，他的性格很刻薄，但是也許有一天這個孩子會成為一名出色的檢察官。我幫這個孩子找了各種專業人士尋求幫助，但是大家都一致認為，這個孩子雖然在精神上沒有任何的問題，但是他一直都在無理取鬧，他們也無法理解他的行為，可能是因為他的個性就是這樣的吧。我非常想愛這個孩子，我想和這個孩子保持一個良好的關係，但是，當這個孩子出現一些我很厭惡的性格特徵，而我又無法適應這些性格特徵的時候，情況就變得很困難了。因為我並不是一個刻薄的人，所以當我的孩子對別人刻薄的時候，我除了感到受傷和失望以外，我不知道我還能作何反應。我盡我自己最大的可能去為這個孩子感到驕傲，去支持，去愛這個孩子，也一直在努力發現、表揚、鼓勵他的優點，但這對我來説實在是太難了。如果我們沒有血緣關係，我不會選擇和這樣的人做朋友或者有任何關係。

I have another child who is the absolute light of my life. This child is the perfect cross between my spouse and I, with the best qualities of both and charisma thrown in. This child has the tools and personality to succeed and to be liked. This child is positive, imaginative and happy with a sense of humor. Pretty much the opposite of the other. I would be lying if I said that this child isn’t the love of my life and my favorite.

The key is, recognizing this…everything I do, I’m aware of how it can be seen and how hurtful it would be for one child if I ever let it show. So I guess my answer is, I care for and protect them equally, address both needs diligently and with the same level of attention. I don’t regret having any child. That said, without intending to or wanting to, I do love one of them more, and I fight every day to mitigate that and keep it from coming out.

我還有一個孩子，他絕對是我生命中的一道光。這個孩子是我和妻子的完美結合，他身上兼具我們兩個人的優點和魅力。這個孩子身上有很容易成功以及被人喜歡的特質和個性。這個孩子積極向上，富有想象力，快樂而且很有幽默感。他和另外一個孩子幾乎是完全相反的。如果我説這個孩子不是我一生中的摯愛和我最愛的孩子，那絕對是在説謊。

關鍵是，當我意識到，我所做的每一件事會被人如何看待，也知道如果我把它表現出來，會對一個孩子造成很大的傷害。所以我想我的解決方案是，我對他們兩個都付出一樣的關心和保護，努力的去滿足他們2個的需求，並給予他們2個同樣的關注，我並不後悔要孩子。也就是説，在有意或無意中，我確實更愛這2個孩子中的其中一個，但是我每天都在努力緩解這種情況的出現，並努力阻止這種情感流露出來。