我一次又一次讓我的亞洲父母感到失望的方式_風聞

【來源龍騰網】

正文原創翻譯：

When you come from an Asian family, there are usually strict cultural norms to live up to. On the occasions you don’t, chances are you probably disappoint your Asian parents.

當你來自亞洲家庭時，通常需要遵守嚴格的文化規範。有時你不這樣做，你很可能會讓你的亞洲父母感到失望。

Different Asian parents have different expectations of their children. But the benchmark tends to be high in Asian households.

亞洲父母和一般的父母對孩子有着不同的期望，但亞洲家庭的標準往往較高。

Growing up Asian in Australia, my migrant Chinese parents were strict with a traditional Chinese mindset. They wanted me to be top of the class, work a high paying job and be a smiling demure Chinese girl well-liked for her polite mannerisms. For most part I never lived up to these expectations, much to their disappointment.

我是在澳大利亞長大的亞裔，我的父母是從中國移民到澳大利亞的，他們有着嚴格的中國傳統思維。他們希望我成為班上的尖子生，從事一份高薪的工作，做一個端莊和只能微笑的中國女孩，並因為她的禮貌舉止而廣受歡迎。但在大多數情況下，我從未達到他們的期望，這讓他們感到非常失望。

The Cambridge Dictionary describes disappointment as ‘the unhappiness or discouragement that results when (hopes) or expectations have not been satisfied, or someone or something that is not as good as you had hoped or expected’. That is, when you disappoint someone, that someone disagrees with your behaviour. In turn you probably feel guilty and you’re not enough for that someone. It’s a feeling that lingers.

《劍橋詞典》將失望描述為“當(希望)或期望沒有得到滿足，或者某人或某事不如你所希望或期望的那麼好時，所產生的不快或沮喪”。也就是説，當你讓某人失望時，某人會否定你。反過來，你可能會感到內疚，覺得自己不配成為那個人的親人。這是一種揮之不去的感覺。

Strict authoritarian (and authoritative) Asian upbringing has been discussed a fair bit – from Amy Chua’s memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother discussing endless piano practice sessions after school to studies showing Asian parents holding high regard for educational attainment. There has also been recent research exploring the possibility of diminishing obedience by young adults of Asian background towards authoritarian Asian parents.

從蔡美兒在回憶錄《虎媽戰歌》中討論放學後無休止的練習鋼琴，到研究表明亞洲父母高度重視教育和成就，嚴格的專制(和權威)的亞洲教育方式已經被討論了很多。最近也有研究探討了亞洲背景的年輕人對專制的亞洲父母的服從程度下降的可能性。

Often the pressure to be obedient when you’re Chinese stems from familial values and cultural conditioning. Filial piety, essentially respecting and caring for your elders, is a virtue silently expected to be upheld in Chinese families. So is ‘saving face’, whereby you do not diminish your family’s reputation around others and instead maintain pride by keeping up traditions.

作為中國人，服從的壓力往往來自家庭價值觀和文化內涵。孝順，本質上是尊重和照顧你的長輩，是一種在中國家庭中被默默地傳承的美德。“要面子”也是如此，即你不能因為你的行為而讓你的家庭聲譽受損，而是通過遵循傳統來保持家庭自豪感。

I felt this pressure to be the perfect Asian kid throughout my life, conflicted between living up to expectations of being Chinese and my own personal values.

在我的一生中，我感到了成為一個完美的亞洲孩子的壓力，達到中國父母的期望和遵從我自己的個人價值觀之間產生了矛盾。

And so here are some occasions where I’ve disobeyed and disappointed my Chinese parents.

以下是我不服從父母的一些行為，這讓我的中國父母感到失望了。

1. Not becoming a doctor, lawyer or accountant

1. 沒有成為醫生、律師或會計

In line with the concept of saving face and responsible family ideals in Confucian Asian societies, it’s a marker of success in Chinese culture to have a steady job and provide for yourself with ease. It’s Asian parent pride to raise you to be self-sufficient, especially if they were immigrants who started life over in a country with barely anything.

與亞洲儒家社會的面子觀念和勇於承擔責任的家庭價值觀相一致，在中國文化中，有一份穩定的工作，能輕鬆養活自己是成功的標誌。把孩子培養成自給自足的人是亞洲父母的驕傲，尤其是如果當他們是移民，在一個新的國家白手起家的時候。

I love writing and English was my favourite subject at school. When I got my O’Level results, the equivalent of middle high school, my heart sank as I saw the ‘B’ for English.

我喜歡寫作，英語是我在學校最喜歡的科目。當我看到英語得到了一個非常一般的“B”的時候，我很失落。

‘That doesn’t matter!’ my dad exclaimed excitedly, peering at my results over my shoulder. ‘What matters is you got A+ for maths and physics!’

“沒關係!”爸爸在我的背後看到我的成績單，興奮地喊道。“重要的是你的數學和物理得到了A+ !””

That didn’t deter me from completing an arts degree. After university I became a freelance writer supporting myself with varying income, enough to get by. However my Chinese parents constantly let it be known, ‘See, you studied arts. Now can’t get good job!’

這並沒有阻止我拿到藝術類的學位。大學畢業後，我成了一名自由撰稿人，靠不穩定的收入維持自己的生活。而這時我的中國父母就會向我強調，‘看，你學的是藝術，所以現在找不到好工作了!”

Part of me felt guilty: maybe I really should be setting myself up for the future. But who’s to say you have to follow the straight and narrow. The sense of competitive urgency that comes from a typical Chinese mindset can certainly motivate you to move forwards. But this stress can be suffocating when you are learning, growing and finding your way at your own pace.

我有點內疚:也許我真的應該為自己的未來做好準備。但為什麼你必須要循規蹈矩呢？來自典型中國人的競爭心態和學習緊迫感當然可以激勵你前進，但是當你在按照既定的節奏學習、成長並找到自己的道路的過程中，這種壓力可能會令人窒息。

原創翻譯：龍騰網 http://www.ltaaa.cn 轉載請註明出處

2. Not being a girly girl

2. 不像個乖乖女

Traditionally embodying femininity and appearing attractive to the heterosexual male gaze is expected of Chinese women. There’s the pressure to be submissive and docile to uphold patriarchal and nuclear family standards. When you don’t blend in this way as a Chinese woman, you tend to be seen as difficult and lose face.

傳統上，中國女性應該體現女性氣質，並能吸引異性的目光。為了維護父權和家庭的標準，人們必須要順從和温順。作為一箇中國女人，如果你不這樣做，你就會被認為很難相處，而且讓父母很沒面子。

‘Don’t sit with your legs open!’ my mum yelled each time I read a book on the couch after work, lounging with my legs apart. ‘You’re a girl! Sit properly!’ I refused to wear dresses and skirts, and according to them I looked ‘so ugly in blue jeans’ attending big Chinese wedding banquets where everyone dressed up.

“坐着的時候不要張開腿!”每每當我下班後，叉開雙腿躺在沙發上看書，我媽媽就會對我大吼。“你是個女孩，坐姿要端正!“我不喜歡穿連衣裙和裙子，在他們看來，每個人都盛裝出席盛大的中國婚宴，而我卻穿着藍色的牛仔褲，看起來“太醜了”。

On these occasions I felt like a rebeI, never cared much for conventional gender norms or looking a certain way. While there’s always time and place to shrug on manners and keep the peace, there’s also owning your power to carve your own person free from expectations and be who you feel. You could be anyone from anywhere and be whoever you want, look however you want and speak your truth to make an impact.

在這些場合，我覺得自己就像一個叛逆者，從不太在意傳統的性別規範或某些特定的行為方式。雖然有時你確實應該文靜有禮，但你也應該經常有意識地把自己從別人的期望中解放出來，做你自己。你可以在任何地方成為任何你想成為的人，説出你的真實想法並對別人產生影響。

3. Walking in front of my parents

3、走在父母的前面

As a child, my parents insisted on holding my hand everywhere we went, be it to a new town miles away or to the nearby store for mundane weekly grocery trips. Being a curious kid who liked discovering things on my own, I’d often rip my hand free and eagerly skip ahead to the unknown.

小時候，無論我們去哪裏，無論是去幾英里外的新城鎮，還是每週去附近的商店買東西，父母都堅持要牽着我的手。作為一個對世界充滿好奇的孩子，我喜歡自己去發現新事物，我經常會掙脱他們的手，急切地跳到一個未知的地方。

‘Come back here! Mabel, come!’ my dad would shout immediately without a beat. ‘Don’t let go of my hand!’ This happened until I was about 14 or 15 in front of my classmates who took the public bus home from school. Seniority is deemed as superior in Chinese culture: normalisation of the masculine patriarchal protector in front with eagled-eyed view, deserving of calling the shots.

“快回來，梅布爾!”我爸爸會毫不猶豫地立刻喊道。“別放開我的手!”“這種情況一直持續到我十四五歲的時候，而我的同學們都是從學校自己坐公交車回家。在中國文化中，資歷被認為是一種優勢：男性的家長目光敏鋭，他們應該站在前面發號施令，並保護後輩。

In these moments of pulling my hand away and shouting ringing in my ears, I went from feeling like a daredevil to small fry in a flash. Certainly the world is dangerous with situations and people you should avoid. But too much of staying sheltered and following the leader, you only know what you’re told to do.

當我把手抽離，耳邊迴響着父母的喊聲的時候，我瞬間從一個小可愛變成了一個小淘氣。當然，世界是危險的，你確實應該避免去某些地方和某些人打交道，但長時間躲在隱秘的地方接受別人的庇護，聽從別人的命令同樣不是解決的辦法。

4. Not greeting my parents

4. 不跟父母打招呼

原創翻譯：龍騰網 http://www.ltaaa.cn 轉載請註明出處

When I was younger, the moment my parents came home and walked through the door, they expected me to greet them right away.

當我還小的時候，每當我父母回家走進家門的那一刻，他們希望我會馬上迎接他們。

‘Mabel! Where are you? Come out right now!’ dad would exclaim before the door slammed shut. It didn’t matter if I was reading in my room or taking a dump in the bathroom. Not being right there at the door to welcome them home was already suspicious or a failure, reminiscent of a servant getting into trouble and punished by the Emperor in a Chinese imperial drama. This happened so often that I simply got used to it.

“梅布爾，你在哪呢?快過來!“爸爸在門砰地關上之前喊道，不管我是在房間裏看書還是在上廁所。沒有在門口迎接他們回家被認為是非常可疑的，讓人想起在一部中國帝王劇中一個僕人惹上了麻煩，然後被皇帝懲罰了。這種情況經常發生，我已經習慣了。

A lack of respect for your personal space, privacy and boundaries is common in a stereotypical Chinese household. At times seniority desires control and ownership of everything within the household and so nothing really is yours, in line with the natures of patriarchy and collectivism. Arguably it can come across as impolite to ignore someone when you see them. But some need their space and not be bound by rules to feel a sense of inner peace.

缺乏對個人空間和個人隱私的尊重在一個典型的中國家庭中是很常見的。有時候，年長者希望控制和擁有家裏的一切，所以沒有什麼是真正屬於你的，這符合父權制和集體主義的特質。當你看到某人時忽視他們是不禮貌的，但有些人需要自己的空間，可以讓自己不受規則的束縛，以感受內心的平靜。

5. Not serving the rice correctly

5. 沒有正確上米飯

Food and eating well is a big part of Chinese culture. There’s this Chinese saying that goes, ‘Disease comes from the mouth’ – be mindful about eating for your health in other words.

飲食文化是中國文化的重要組成部分。中國有句諺語説，“病從口入”，也就是説，為了健康，要注意飲食習慣。

Rice accompanies Chinese family dinners alongside the meat and vegetable dishes. The rice has to be served just right. Not undercooked, watery or raw for a Chinese dinner at home, as comedian Jimmy O’Yang wrote in How to American: An Immigrant’s Guide to Disappointing Your Parents.

在中國家庭的晚餐中，米飯會與肉類和蔬菜一起出現，米飯要做得恰到好處。就像喜劇演員Jimmy O’Yang在《如何成為美國人:一個讓父母失望的移民指南》中所寫的那樣，在家裏吃中餐時，米飯不要做得不夠熟或太稀。

Each time my mum scooped the steaming rice out from the rice cooker for dinner, she ordered, ‘Mabel! Call daddy from over there to sik fan (eat) now! Now! Or else the rice get cold! Call louder!’. I would obediently call for my dad to come to the table. Sometimes he didn’t walk over immediately – maybe he didn’t hear my soft-spoken voice. Maybe I was to blame.

每當準備吃晚飯，我媽媽從電飯鍋裏舀出熱氣騰騰的米飯時，她都會叫道:“梅布爾!去叫你爸爸現在來吃飯!不然飯就涼了!大點聲叫!”。這時我會乖乖地去叫爸爸過來吃飯。有時他沒有馬上過來——也許他沒有聽到我輕聲細語的聲音，或許這是我的錯。

Of these times when my dad finally sat down at the dinner table, he’d take a bite of rice. Mouth chewing rice, dad raged, ‘The rice is not warm enough! It’s cold! Take it back to the pot!’, slamming his chopsticks down on the table. Silence echoed through the house.

每當我爸爸姍姍來遲，終於坐在餐桌旁時，他會吃一口米飯，然後大發雷霆，“米飯不夠熱!把它放回鍋裏去熱!“説着，他把筷子砰地一聲放在桌子上，屋子裏一片寂靜。

During these occasions eating at home felt small and unappetising. Having a meal hot or cold is something to be thankful for. But no matter how good the food tastes or how cosy the ambience, you’d probably never forget the unhappy diner who sat next to you.

在這種情況下，在家吃飯會讓人感覺很沒胃口。有一頓飯可以吃總是值得感謝的，無論是熱的還是冷的。但無論食物的味道有多好，環境有多舒適，你可能永遠不會忘記坐在你旁邊的不開心的用餐者。

* * *

Strict Asian parents arguably show tough, practical love and it comes from a place of care. They hope for opportunities and a comfortable future for their children, shaping them to be tough to face the world and its challenges. Often they put their own interests and more importantly their own time aside to make sure they learn life’s lessons.

嚴格的亞洲父母可以説表現出了一種強硬的關愛。他們希望為自己的孩子提供機會和舒適的未來，塑造他們堅毅的品性，以面對世界和應對各種挑戰。他們經常把他們自己的興趣，更重要的是他們自己的時間放在一邊，以確保他們的後輩能學到人生的經驗。

Different people have different wants and needs, different reactions and feelings in each situation. The constant insistence to conform to cultural expectations certainly has its consequences on your personality, emotions and mental health.

不同的人在不同的情況下有不同的慾望和需求，不同的反應和感受。不斷地堅持符合文化的期望當然會對你的個性、情感和心理健康產生影響。

In her book Quiet is a Superpower, author Jill Chang writes that ‘finding your core values is never an easy journey, especially in Eastern societies’. Research on psychological behaviour shows Chinese American individuals tend to value emotional suppression to preserve interpersonal harmony but this may not be the case in Western cultures. A study also found disempowering parenting and intergenerational cultural conflict creates mental distress among Asian youths.

作者Jill Chang在她的《安靜是一種超能力》一書中寫道，“找到你的核心價值觀從來都不是一件容易的事，尤其是在東方社會”。對心理行為的研究表明，美籍華人傾向於抑制個人情緒以保持人際和諧，但在西方文化中可能並非如此。一項研究還發現，父母的嚴厲管教和代際文化衝突對亞洲年輕人造成了精神困擾。

In other words, the collectivist mentality and hegemonic power dynamics in Asian cultures can considerably suppress individual identity and confidence to speak and live your truth. At times, such culturally commanding actions borders on abuse and leads to long-term trauma, intentionally or unintentionally.

換句話説，亞洲文化中的集體主義心態可以在很大程度上壓制個人的身份認同和活出真正的自己的信心。有時，這種在文化上居高臨下的行為近乎霸凌，會有意或無意地導致別人長期受到創傷。

In general, people don’t want to upset each other if they can avoid it. That includes not wanting to disappoint your parents – and you may get stuck in the cycle of the fear of disappointing others. Aside from feeling guilty and struck by fear of being the cause someone is unhappy, you might constantly focus on avoiding disappointing your Asian parents – submitting to cultural stereotypes and unable to see past what you’re being told behind closed doors or see what’s possible elsewhere.

一般來説，如果可以避免的話，人們都不想讓對方不高興。這包括不想讓你的父母感到失望——你可能會陷入害怕讓別人感到失望的惡性循環中。因為感到內疚，你可能會一直專注於避免讓你的亞洲父母感到失望，屈從於刻板的文化，侷限於別人關起門來告訴你的東西，無法看到其它的可能性。

You can’t please everyone all the time as everyone will have their opinions. As self-care coach Cheryl Richardson wrote in The Art of Disappointing Others, you have to learn to disappoint others to live a life of meaning. But moving forward amidst the criticism of not living up to cultural values can be easier said than done.

你不可能一直取悦所有人，因為每個人都會有自己的看法。正如自我護理訓練師謝麗爾.理查森在《讓別人失望的藝術》一書中所寫的那樣，你必須學會讓別人感到失望，這樣你的生活才有意義。但是，在不符合文化價值觀的批評中前進，説起來容易做起來難。

For one, you may desire and feel the pressure to make it without the help of your family. If you don’t be successful on your own as how you imagined, you might be horribly disappointed. More specifically, disappointed in yourself alongside that perfectionist side within you, which likely stems from the strict cultural values you’ve always known.

你可能希望感受到壓力，希望在沒有家人幫助的情況下完成任務。但如果你不能像你想象的那樣靠自己取得成功，你可能會非常失望。更具體地説，你會對自己感到失望，而你內心中的完美主義的一面可能正是源於你一直遵從的嚴格的文化價值觀。

Being creative and a writer doesn’t always come easy to me. It took time to unlearn feeling unimportant amidst the discouragement ingrained within me and believe in writing, which includes setting boundaries with both yourself and others, surrounding yourself with supportive people and finding middle ground between you and those who disagree – keeping in mind this last suggestion isn’t always achievable.

成為一個有創造力的作家對我來説並不容易。我花了很長時間才戰勝了在內心中根深蒂固的挫敗感，並相信自己的寫作能力，這包括為自己和他人設定界限，讓支持自己的人圍繞在自己周圍，在你和那些持不同意見的人之間找到客觀立場——記住，最後這條建議並不總是可行的。

Sometimes you might disappoint your parents. Sometimes if you don’t follow your own truth, you might disappoint yourself even more.

有時你可能會不得不讓你的父母感到失望。因為有時候，如果你不遵從於自己的內心，你可能會讓自己感到更加失望。

Have you ever disappointed your parents?

你曾經讓你的父母感到失望過嗎?